Solitude in peace v/s solitude in a warring mind

I think one of the important things that I have noticed is how perceptions of everyday things change along with the state of mind that I am in. I think that holds true for most people. For example, a sight that would normally fill you with peace and joy, can have the exact opposite effect if you are depressed/sad/angry.

For people battling depression, this truth becomes starker and magnified to unimaginable levels. It makes you hate yourself. How would you feel if you saw everyone around you derive simple joy from something while you feel indifferent, stunted? It is such a “de-humanising” feeling, to be robbed of something as fundamental as emotion. 

I have phases that I go through. Phases when my mind is at war, followed by a period of peace. Sometimes, this peace is uneasy and fragmented, to say the least.  But, I am thankful anyway.  When I am depressed, I hate coming home. I don’t know how to quite explain it. Say I went out to meet a couple of friends. Then I start dreading the fact that I will have to go home, even though there’s family waiting back there. Just the idea of being alone, in a manner of speaking, chokes me up inside. I am sure some of you have felt this, that odd burning sensation in your heart.

It is so visceral that it feels real.

What is odd is the fact that I love coming home and spending time with myself otherwise. I love the feeling of peace that settles over me. Much as I like spending time with people I love, the idea of solitude waiting at the end of a crowd feels so warm, so welcoming.

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It is so strange and paradoxical.

On a bad day, my steps start dragging as I draw closer to home. I dread that the silence around me will just make the noise inside bang louder and louder still. I dread that I will have to face the desolation all over, all on my own.

On a good day, I look forward to the walls, the doors and the windows. I love coming home and switching on my computer. I love the silence that gradually settles all around, with the occasional bird-chatter in the distance. I love the dim light that seeps in through the windows.

I think what gets us in the end is the great open gap between the light and the dark spaces that we seem to inhabit simultaneously.

Do you live in the black and white of emotion too? I think we all crave for something in the middle. Something safe, something stable.Let me know if you have felt this too.

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